OK, so I’ve been real busy with a million different things and I’ve sucked at writing back to you all. I haven’t updated the HATCHET website journals in like 3 years, I never update my blog, and I didn’t issue a comeback to the witty comment you left on my MySpace page…I know, I’m sorry, I suck. But cut me some slack here. I could list off all of the projects on my plate right now but I’m afraid I’d re-read it and then throw up on myself in fear. The two I need to acknowledge however, are of course HATCHET – “When the f*ck is it coming out, Green?”- right?…. and GOD ONLY KNOWS – “Green, you’re doing a romantic comedy next?” Yes. I am. Blow me.
You’ll be happy to know that I actually saw the final press release for Hatchet’s acquisition and theatrical release. I shit you not. It’s in my email’s inbox- right now. In fact, if I didn’t care about pissing off the powers that be- I could easily just go ahead and post it here in a matter of clicks. But I can’t do that. Honestly, I have no idea what they’re waiting for now. My guess is the news will either come out before I finish writing this or perhaps they’re just gonna hold off until after the holidays when people are actually reading the trades again and not just using them as wrapping paper. But either way…it’s all sealed up and done. Yes, you’ve heard right- end of 1st Quarter, nationwide theatrical release. (That means March/April in a theater near you.) I noticed in this month’s Fangoria magazine that they threw the term “limited” next to our release. They also had our release listed as January. Just so everyone knows- limited is when they only make like 12 prints, run it in a few cities for a few weeks, and then hit the DVD. Our release is not limited. The intention is for WIDE. Whether or not they open it wide right away or ramp up to a wide (known as “platforming” for you non-industry savvy folks) is their game-time decision…but our release is not supposed to be limited.
But wait- how about that spread in the December Fango though? Did you guys check that shit out? Funny how 20 years ago if someone had told me my movie would be on the cover of Fango and have a 6 page spread inside it- I would have been the happiest kid on earth. And here I am bitching about the fact that they used a wrong word to describe our release. Who the hell am I? What have I become? Hold on, I’m getting there.
So GOD ONLY KNOWS. Yes, it’s true. My next film is a romantic comedy. My horror friends and fans are in shock, I know. No one really seemed to flip when I said I was doing SPIRAL- but then again, because that can be described as a “dramatic thriller” it seemed OK. But throw the words “romantic comedy” out there and you’d think I was at the Laugh Factory yelling the “N-word” at a crowd of patrons. Oh, I know– cheap Michael Richards shot- but the guy’s asking for it. I actually had sympathy for him when it happened because I know how frustrating it must have been to be doing stand-up and getting heckled. So he just yelled out the most offensive, shocking thing he could to ‘shut the heckler up’. I was like, damn. Kramer messed up big time- but I know he didn’t mean it. Then he goes on Letterman and tries to defend his actions by bringing in Hurricane Katrina and (my favorite part) “AFRO-American tensions”. I was like…woah- say that again!? And he did. “AFRO-American.” What is this, 5th grade social studies in 1975? Who uses such a term these days? Might as well say “I didn’t mean to offend the Darkies”. Sorry, Kramer…you kind of deserve it. And I feel no shame in taking a cheap shot at you.
But moving on, yes I’m making GOD ONLY KNOWS and it’s a romantic comedy. It’s a script I’ve been working on for years now and is one that is extremely close to my heart. I’d say it’s my favorite thing I’ve ever written- but I haven’t written everything I’m going to write yet. Or maybe I have. Like, what if this is seriously the LAST thing I ever write? Don’t laugh. I actually do lose sleep over it. Everything I finish, rather than be happy about it- the first thing I do is start fearing that I’ll never be able to do it again. But here’s what I can offer to HATCHET fans…GOD ONLY KNOWS is a romantic comedy, sure. But the emphasis is on “comedy”. It’s a romantic comedy that is actually going to be funny. Don’t you hate when your girlfriend takes you to go see something that’s in the “romantic comedy” genre…but it’s not funny at all? Why don’t they just call those movies “romance” films? I suppose because even the gayest dude in West Hollywood wouldn’t be caught going to see the new Julia Roberts “Romance” film. But throw “comedy” in there- and suddenly, it’s cool. Plus- who doesn’t like comedy? Every now and then I meet people and they ask me what I do and when I tell them I hear “Well, I don’t care for horror films” or “I’m not a fan of gore”. But when’s the last time somebody said “Jeez, you know, I’d love to go see that with you…but I just can’t stand funny movies.” So my pledge to you is this …no, no one gets disembowled in GOD ONLY KNOWS…but you will laugh your ass off. You’re gonna like it.
So I’ve been in casting for the past few weeks. That would be a whole nother blog- but the point is that it’s tiring and long and boring at times…but god DAMN have I gotten to meet some great actors this time around. When we were casting for HATCHET, the two roles that we had the toughest time with were “Misty” and “Jenna” because they required nudity. For whatever reason, we were getting tons of hot girls coming in- but they weren’t funny. 5 months later, we found Mercedes McNab and Joleigh Fiorevanti and- well, the movie is what it is because of actors like them. They’re fucking precious. And anyone who disagrees with me can see the end of paragraph 1 and blow me a second time. But GOD ONLY KNOWS, not being a horror film…we’ve had the cream of the crop coming out.
By the way, what the fuck is “crop cream” and why does the thought of it make me feel dirty?
But casting is amazing. The two leads are now set but we’re holding on announcing until we properly announce the film. Both are actors I’ve wanted to work with for a long time. The female lead is one of my favorite actresses and, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful stars in Hollywood. The male lead may as well have grown up with me cause I’ve felt like I’m best friends with this guy since I first met him several years ago. It’s about time we’re making a movie together. In January…we shall reveal all.
But in the midst of all of this…I get a call for Jury Duty. Getting a jury summons in the mail is almost like getting blood results back in the mail that say you have an STD. (If I knew what that was like.) Thankfully, in my life experiences I’ve steered completely clear of women that would make me itchy…but IF I ever HAD gotten bad blood results in the mail…I have a feeling it would be just like getting that jury summons.
And now people are going to comment on this and say shit like “Dude, just throw it out. They can’t prove that you ever got it unless it was sent registered mail.” Well, where the fuck were you when I was calling in my acceptance of the summons?
So suddenly casting and life as I know it is on hold…and I am on my way to jury duty.
Let me preface this with the fact that I was at a Twisted Sister show the night before. So by the time I got home and actually went to bed…it was close to 3am. So at 5:45 my alarm goes off and I am on my way. The one thing I know, is that I am not going to be late. But when I get in my car, I realize I only have about 20 miles left before I am out of gas. Now I drive a Mustang…so pretty much starting the car uses half a tank of gas and I’m used to this. No problem. I go and get gas. Then I realize…shit, I have no cash on me cause I spent it all last night. So I run to a cash machine. At this point I’m still OK on time. But then I get risky and decide I’m gonna hit up Starbucks and grab a coffee for the road. Unfortunately, we don’t have Dunkin Donuts here in Hollywood. But that’s a different blog. I get there and head up the walkway ramp. Only too late do I realize that there’s a homeless man blocking my path. “Do you gots any money?” I keep moving. I get inside and order a Venti Gingerbread Latte and tell them my name is Bob Balls. (And fuck you for laughing at my Gingerbread Latte order. Jews like the taste of Christmas, too.) It takes them 15 MINUTES to make my coffee. Apparently the Gingerbread Man himself was needed to make the latte and those wacky Starbucks employees just could not seem to catch him. But finally, I have my steaming sweet cup of overpriced Christmas gayness in my hands and I am out the door. “Do you gots any money?” I’m back to the car. Here’s where it gets good.
I put the drink on the roof and reach in my pocket for my keys when…WHAM! A bird shits on me from out of nowhere. Now, understand- I am not near trees or even power lines. I am in an empty parking lot in Los Angeles where birds haven’t hung out since the 50′s. And I’m not talking about a little round white glob of goo with a black center. I mean full-on Sea-Gull at the beach in the summer-time-splatters. It went all down my chest, splashed on my face, into my coffee, and against my driver’s side window. I felt like Allister when someone would con him into saying “I don’t know” on You Can’t Do That On Television. My first instinct was to fight. I turned to the sky and actually yelled some shit like “Let’s go, Bitch!” Only then did I realize that the bird was long gone. In fact, thankfully, no one had seen it happen except the homeless guy. It was a rondom act of violence. A drive by shitting upon. I’m now going to be late.
So I run back up the ramp to go inside and get some napkins. “Do you gots any money?” Inside I vigorously try and rub the bird excrement off of my black T-shirt. But it only turns the shirt whiter and spreads it around. I give up and head back to my car. “Do you gots any money?” No, but here…have a Gingerbread Latte on me.
I ran to the car as he shouted homophobic remarks at me for ordering a Gingerbread Latte.
But now I’m faced with a dilema. Do I use the shit to my advantage and hope that the Jury Warlords will send me home?
Think about it. “Sir, do you feel you can judge this case fairly and honorably?” Sure thing. But did you notice I have feces on my face? Is that going to be a problem, your Honor?
But what if they didn’t accept being shat upon as a worthy dismissal excuse? Well, then I’d have to move to the orginal plan of wetting myself during role call. Not to mention I’d be sitting with bird deuce on me all day. I needed to turn back, go home and change. As the Gingerbread Latte hit the rear window of my beautiful but now defacated-on Mustang…I tore out of the parking lot and headed home for a new offensive T-shirt. Sadly, Rileah had not done laundry and the most offensive shirt I could come up with was one that simply read “Paramount Pictures”.
Needless to say, I was late getting there. But have you ever heard the old wives tale about how “if a bird shits on you it’s good luck”? I always thought that was a line of horseshit written by someone way too obsessed with the ‘bright side’. Don’t you hate those people? “Well, look on the bright side-” NO! Fuck you! There is no bright side! If we had gotten here 2 minutes earlier, they would have still been serving breakfast and now we’re gonna have to eat french fries instead of hash brown patties. Why does God hate me so??!
I always thought that saying being shit upon is “good luck” would be like trying to say that being raped just means that someone “really, really likes you”. Both suck. And unless I’m in a German shit-fettish video- I don’t want to see or smell shit…let alone wear it. Christ, I’ve spent three years trying to teach my cats to clean their own litter-box because the smell of it makes me gag. But do you know what? I didn’t get selected for Jury Duty. And I didn’t even have to wet myself. My name just never came up.
And all because a bird shit all over me.
I know what you’re all thinking. “Oh look at him, all born again.” But this isn’t something retarded or completely ficticious like those people who claim they found Jesus. No. This is way better than that. I found…well…I found shit. And it saved me. Call it an act of God or simply file it away under mere “Christmas magic”…but I can see through the rain now. Fuck you Jury Duty. But God bless you Mr. Sickly Sea-Gull. I hope you’re feeling better tonight. Because of you I can get to that second Twisted Sister show on-time tomorrow night and not be delayed by Jury Duty and all it’s Juryness.
And with that, I am back to work. Happy New Year to all of you. I am so sorry I can’t write back to everyone who writes to me but I am just unbelievably busy these days. I do read every letter you send and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the support. 2007 is going to be huge. HATCHET and SPIRAL will both come out and GOD ONLY KNOWS will shoot. I know I say it alot, but I promise- big news is just around the corner.
Peace to you and yours-