Green's Blog

Twenty Questions

Before I even get started here I just have to say…WOW.  You guys are the f’n greatest.  I get more Myspace’s (or whatever the fuck you call these things) than I can handle.  So first of all- THANK YOU.

At the same time, even though there is no humanly possible way to write back to every single person who writes to me…I still get the occasional letter where someone is all hurt because they didn’t get a personal response.  And I honestly do feel terrible about that.  I mean, I’m not like cutting myself at night or anything, but I do feel badly about it.

So what follows are some frequently asked questions and my answers to them.

1. Why did you write back to my friend but not me?

Probably because your friend was a “she”, and she was hot.  But in all seriousness, perhaps your friend caught me on a day when I was procrastinating while writing or perhaps your friend asked a very specific and easy to answer question.  Like “What is your favorite song on side one of Debbie Gibson’s ‘Electric Youth’ album?”  (LOST IN YOUR EYES for those who are also interested.)  When I get asked broad questions like “How do I write a script?” or “Any advice on how to make a movie?” it’s really, really hard to come up with an answer that I can type out within a few minutes.

2. You’ve written back to me a bunch of times but now you don’t.  Are you mad at me?

Probably.  But in most cases it’s really just a matter of time.  Also, as much as I enjoy the interaction- I unfortunately don’t have the luxury of time for a pen pal these days, so for those who fire back email after email…after awhile it gets hard to keep up with.  Not to mention, I try very hard to PERSONALLY respond to everyone and not send generic form letters back like some others do.  And to be quite honest, I’m simply not witty enough to come up with more than a few original replies to the same person.  After the 5th or 6th letter where you don’t necessarily ask anything specific, I’ll have to start sending back T-shirt order forms for my high school band cause I’ll run out of neat things to say.  Honestly, I barely have time to clean my cat’s litter box.  Which they’ve resorted to living in.  Filthy creatures.

3. Where do you get your concert shirts?

At the concerts.  And while we’re on this subject- this is just how I have always dressed.  It’s not a fashion statement and it’s really not even all that cool.  I’m not selling any of them and I don’t want to buy any of yours.  That being said, if someone wanted to SEND me a free ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ shirt from Metallica’s ’91 black album tour…I’d accept it.  My friend’s dog ate mine a few years back.  He’s an asshole.  (The dog, not my friend.)

4. Do you have a girlfriend?

You’d have to be the world’s worst internet stalker to not be able to figure that one out.  So on laziness alone- I don’t answer that one.  Though I am more than willing to disclose information about every single aspect of my life including my fear of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, my inability to pee in public bathrooms, my undying love for Britney Spears, and my psychotic nightmares that I wake up screaming from…this is one of the things that I do like to keep personal throughout all of this.  Of course for those who really, really know me- it’s a different story.  But unless you have my phone number or hang out with me on a regular basis or actually KNOW my girlfriend…please don’t ask personal questions about her.

5. Can I have your phone number?

No.  Wait.  Maybe.  Depends on what kind of pictures you send me.  But most likely no.

6. Do you charge for autographs and how do I get one?

No, I do not charge for autographs as I think that’s ridiculous.  Though I won’t always be able to control the situation (certain conventions have their own arrangements)- I do offer a way for you to send a self addressed stamped envelope to my production company and get a free one in return.  All of the details are on my official website: .  This desire to never charge for simple shit and to stay accessible to people all stems from an experience I had back in 4th grade.  I spent an entire day crafting a fan letter to KISS…and all I got back was a T-shirt order form.  Though I’m now grown up and realize the absurdity of thinking that Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, and Ace Freehley were actually going to write back to me…I’m still gonna try as hard as I can to never be ‘that guy’.

7. Will you read my script?

No.  And please don’t take offense.  It’s honestly a legal issue and the only way to stay protected is for me to pass on looking at any material that isn’t solicited through my representation.  Believe me, I KNOW it sucks.  It’s just the way it is.

8. How do I get my hands on a copy of your first film, COFFEE & DONUTS?

If you check the COFFEE & DONUTS MySpace page (located in my Top Friends) you’ll see a blog that explains that.

9. What’s going on with HATCHET, SPIRAL, etc, etc…?

Anything that I CAN talk about is already out there in various news or interviews.  If I haven’t said it- then chances are I can’t tell you yet or I don’t know either.

10. Why the choice to follow HATCHET with an ‘artsy’ film like SPIRAL?

I needed the money and Joel David Moore triple dog dared me to do it.  But seriously?  I’m always going to do what I feel inspired to do and take my own chances.  Though I (thankfully) have many opportunities to jump on jobs that could easily make me lot of money - I do what I feel like doing.  I totally get that there’s a lot of die hard horror fans who are anxious for another ‘genre’ film- and I fucking LOVE you guys for that.  But I have other sides to my personality that I need to follow.  I’ll never ask that you respect the films that are outside of the genre you love, but I do ask that you respect my decisions to pursue other things from time to time.

11. Would you ever do a remake?

It all depends.  A horror remake?  Probably not as there’s nothing left to remake thanks to Hollywood.  But I never say never.  There’s a lot of movies I grew up on that I’d love to put my own spin on- but for the time being, I’m content creating my own original stuff.  The slogan for HATCHET (“It’s not a remake.  It’s not a sequel.  And it’s not based on a Japanese one.”) was never meant as anything more than a tongue-in-cheek jab at the state of the genre today and to capture the feeling of what the spirit of the film is.  I’m not anti-remake.  But I’m not actively pursuing the chance to do one either.

12. Are you friends with ________?

Why do you care?  If you want gossip on someone, pick up US Weekly.  Please don’t ask personal questions about celebs I may or may not be close with in real life, I’m not going to answer them.

13. Will I do an interview for your national magazine, website, high school news paper, etc?

Absolutely.  I don’t care what the source is, if you care enough to have me be your subject matter- I’m down.  I only ask that you don’t contact me here for that stuff.  Contact my reps or the PR firm for whichever distributor is handling the particular project you are interested in.  If you need that sort of info- just ask.

14. Will you put me in your TOP FRIENDS?

As many of you have experienced, the whole “Top Friends” situation is a HUGE problem.  Just know that I have enough trouble juggling the slots for the friends I see every day…it’s not going to be worth the hassle of switching it up every few days.  Besides, I’m not really even famous so being in my Top Friends doesn’t mean you’re going to get some sort of great exposure for your career, film, band, etc.  Go ask one of the porn stars or model chicks to put you in their Top Friends and you’ll get some serious exposure.  Besides, they’re way more fun to look at than me.

15. I found the HADDONFIELD page on MySpace.  Is that really you singing?

Yes.  HADDONFIELD was the band I had back in Salem, Massachusetts prior to my first film being picked up out here in LA.  Unfortunately, those crude sound board recordings are all we’ll ever have.  We’re not getting back together and I don’t have a new band that I’m starting.  In fact, I only put up a MySpace page for HADDONFIELD because I wanted to use one of our songs on my own page for a few weeks.  No, there’s no shirts left.  But yes, I do entertain offers to perform at bar mitzvahs, weddings, and circumcisions.

16. What is your favorite breakfast cereal?

Cocoa Pebbles.

17.  What are your cats names?

Tyler, Perry, and Chewbacca.  The first two were named by me out of my respect for the greatest American rock n roll band of all time.  I’m still proposing the arguement to change Chewie’s name to Whitford…but I keep being shot down.

18. Why do you have cats?

I still don’t really know.  I was never really a “cat” guy though I’m sure a lot of my friends would call me a pussy.  I think I’m just an ‘animal’ guy and given my current lifestyle and work schedule- these cats make sense.  Trust me, when I settle down some more and can properly take care of a dog…these cats are going straight to the vet to be put to sleep.  Except for Chewy.  He’s going down a well.  (Unless I get to change his name to Whitford in which case he will be worthy enough to die with the rest of the band.)

19. Do you still do stand-up?

I haven’t in over 2 years now.  Stand-up is a serious, serious commitment.  For real comics- it’s like a sport where you’re constantly training and practicing your craft.  I was never really serious enough about it.  I literally started doing it because it was one of the few things in life I was afraid of besides bees, sharks, and angry Islamists.  It was a fun time while it lasted- but I just can’t dedicate the right amount of time to it these days.  I’ll return and do it again sooner rather than later.  But in the meantime, please don’t put me on the spot at a convention or screening and say “Hey!  Do some stand-up for us!” and get everyone to cheer and wait for it.  I had a date years ago where the girl I was out with kept saying “Do something funny!  Be funny!”  So I raped her.

20.  Did you really mean what you said about the cats?

No.  In middle school I brought my Sea Monkey’s to school and someone spilled them on the ground and stepped on all of them in front of me.  I had to be sent home because I couldn’t stop crying.  I’m telling you, when it comes to any sort of animal- I’m a certified wuss.

Rest in piece, my little friends.  I miss you.


If you have more questions- go on and ask them and I’ll do another one of these lists from time to time.  It’s definitely going to keep the emails more managable!

Love to you all-